Parenting

Who’s Got the Problem Now?

 autism  15 Responses »
May 162012
 

In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t blog much lately. I continue to struggle with the balance of writing about life experiences that others may relate to and the idea that I’m exploiting my kids. But this one had to be told.

The following is a recent conversation between my almost 8-year-old son, who is on the autism spectrum, and me. I’m interested in hearing your thoughts on this one.

J: I asked [insert boy's name] if he wanted to have a play date.

Me: Oh yeah, what did he say?

J: One word: “NEVER.”

I could feel my stomach, heart and throat begin to mingle together, ready to get into a quiet yet violent battle within my body. I could feel my face get hot, while my breathing began to pick up the pace. Before I could ask any questions, he continued.

J: He said never because his parents told him that I have problems and he can’t play with me.

My eyebrows raise and my mouth drops. What made this conversation so interesting is that the boy in question and one of his parents were only about 50 yards away from us, getting into their car.  I can feel my body leading me quickly up the street and toward them but I force myself to stay in the conversation. 

J: I don’t understand, though. What problems do I have? I know I have autism but I was born with that and it’s not a problem. Does he mean because I have autism? Is that the problem he’s talking about?

I wish I could say we got in the car and went out for ice cream and lived happily ever after.  I did explain that some people, even grownups, are too closed minded to take the time to get to know us and embrace each other’s differences. I also shared my feelings that there is no one I know in this world who doesn’t have some sort of special need that is unique to just them, requiring special care, services or understanding. I told him I was proud of him and that he’s right, while autism may be a challenge from time to time, it certainly doesn’t mean he “has problems.”

But then I turned to my friend, asked her to walk to the car with my kids, and I marched up the street and came face to face with the parent — and it wasn’t pretty.

Because if you tell your kid that my kid has problems, you better believe you’ll have a problem.

The Upside of Autism

 autism  3 Responses »
Mar 032012
 

People often talk about the difficulties associated with parenting a child with autism. But this post isn’t about that. I want to recognize and celebrate the upside, or at least one teeny tiny part of the upside, of autism. It’s a blessing we parents are given somewhere, somehow — packaged up in a huge gift I like to call “perspective.”

You see… hundreds, if not thousands, of parents in my community got their kids up this morning and fed them breakfast, before heading off to soccer. They braved the chilly winds of the 8am game, juggled multiple kids’ schedules and sat in the hot sun for the afternoon games. They cheered the kids on as they sipped their coffee in their portable chairs, aware that this was just the first in a series of Saturdays they’d hand over to AYSO.

But I’m willing to bet most of those parents took it all for granted.

From afar, my day probably looked very similar to that of these other moms. I, too, woke up earlier than I prefer on a Saturday morning to get one kid to the field 30 minutes before the first game (seriously, 7:30 am?). I whooped from the sidelines and served up an extra dose of encouragement when my 6-year-old suffered a sizable defeat to the other team, appropriately named “The Sharks.” When it was over, we went home to do some chores, give the kids a little down time, and feed them lunch before packing it all back up for the afternoon game.

It was that 1:00 pm game that clearly separated my husband and me from many of the parents at the field. For our 7-year-old, officially diagnosed with autism two years ago, it was the first time he had ever suited up for soccer, and years since we had tried a team sport (what with the t-ball debacle and all).

My nervous energy was palpable. My incessant pre-game pep talk… the way I paced back and forth before the game… I was practically jumping out of my skin with anxiety (and a little excitement) over how it would all go down.

Fortunately, my son’s coach is no stranger to special needs and has empowered us to communicate throughout the game what works for Jacob and how he can help. We were all on the same page… if he gets overwhelmed, a sub will be called in. If he loses steam, he can sit down. We were grateful for the accommodations but I couldn’t help but hope with every ounce of my being we wouldn’t need to use any of them.

Learning a few tricks over the years, we did our best to set Jacob up for success. A little water in his hair to help keep him from becoming overheated (a common trigger) and keeping the focus on one seven-minute period at a time seemed to make things more manageable. Removing myself from the equation, letting his coach (with some help from Jeff) take the lead also proved to be a good decision. Because for the next hour, our little man played — and he played hard. He ran and kicked and ran some more. The glow radiating from the smile on his face rivaled that of the hot sun. He was part of a team… he belonged to something bigger than himself… you couldn’t miss the pride he felt — he carried it in every step, in every kick.

Then he was knocked down.

I thought I heard my husband gasp and hold his breath, only to discover it was actually me. Because where another child might get up, shake it off and keep going, one of the most stressful challenges for us is finding the ability to persevere when faced with a challenge, not letting a small setback become a huge issue.

For a second there, I could feel the earth screech to a halt. It was as if time stood still while our son lied on the grass. Would he recover? Would this be the very thing to sideline him and squash his enthusiasm for the rest of the season?  “Come on, come on, come on, please, please, please, please,” my mind begged while my mouth stayed quiet. Things were going so well, please don’t let this be it.

What felt like an eternity was actually about three seconds. Jacob popped up and was back on his feet in no time. As he recovered, I could see that question in his face, “Should I give up?” I don’t know what happened during his inner conversation, but I know who won — the side that told him to keep on keepin’ on.

Jacob played four seven-minute periods today, only sitting out a couple of times like the rest of the team. While the team took a pretty big beating (just ask a kid with autism to not keep score), seeing my son leap out of his comfort zone and give it all he’s got on the soccer field was a huge win for Jacob, and for our entire family. And you know what, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Because right along with the struggles,  it’s those typical no-big-deal moments other families often take for granted that feel like huge, tear-inducing, heart-swelling victories for us. And it’s those victories that make life all that much sweeter.

I Heart Overachieving Moms

 Parenting  2 Responses »
Feb 132012
 

It’s funny to think it was just four short years ago that I brought my oldest son to his very first preschool Valentine’s Day celebration. We had made a special trip to the store where he browsed for quite awhile, before carefully choosing Lightening McQueen cards to share with his 3-year-old classmates. He was so excited and I was just an emotional mama watching him reach yet another milestone.

But when we got there, I was shocked and saddened to find that we were the only ones who brought valentines. That’s because all of the other moms had gone above and beyond (see: overachievers) and put together little goodie bags for the kids.

What the WHAT?

How did I not see this coming? Had I missed a note that came home? Was there a motherhood club meeting that I had blown off? “Come on, Moms,” I thought. “Help a girl out, already!” I had two kids a year apart, a job and a skill set that did not include crafting at the kitchen table. What the heck do you do all day that you have time to assemble goodies, pencils, stickers and whatever other unnecessary Valentine’s Day-related items into a cellophane bag adorned with a bow and personalized tag? Do you hate other moms? Are you trying to make us look bad?

I couldn’t help but look at those sad, pathetic Lightening McQueen cards and see them as a symbol of yet another failure. My son was cursed with an ordinary mom whose idea of homemade cookies were those she broke apart before baking. Couldn’t I at least step up and provide him with Valentine’s Day goodies that would make a preschooler proud?

About ten minutes later, I realized my kid didn’t care. In fact, none of the kids cared. The valentine exchange was so chaotic, they barely even knew from whom each valentine came and it didn’t seem to be something that even crossed their tiny heart-shaped minds.

Waaaaaait a minute. You mean if I skip the ridiculous guilt and own the fact that the bare minimum for made-up Hallmark holidays is enough, my kid and his classmates will still be pumped up with sugar and arrive home with enough red and white pencils to last through college?

SCORE!

I’m sorry, moms. I’m sorry for the judgement… the resentment… the dirty looks in the preschool parking lot. Because you’ve taught me so much about myself, my kids and why doing things half-assed truly is the way to go.

But more than that, thank you. Thank you for the endless supply of sugary goodness you send home for Valentine’s Day, Christmas, your child’s birthday or just because you’re that good of a mom. My taste buds and ever-growing behind truly appreciate your thoughtfulness.

You really didn’t think I let my kids eat all that crap, did you?

 

Do You Return Gifts from Your Own Kids?

 Parenting  1 Response »
Feb 092012
 

not actual earrings

I’m one of the lucky ones. Every year, for my birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day, my husband takes the kids out to pick out something special for mom. It’s actually one of my most favorite things, not because I get a gift out of it (although that does kind of rock), but I love how excited the little ones get and find it adorable (and a little hilarious) when I see what they choose as something Mommy must have.

My sweet 6-year-old always heads directly for the jewelry counter. Well, not the counter exactly but the area by the counter. Well not the area by the counter but the area behind that. You know, the place where the 17-year-old girls go to pick out those shiny jewelry-esque accessories, some of which are covered in feathers, colorful “stones,” beads or some combination of the three embellishments. With pride and as much gusto as my little man’s body can muster, he carefully, yet enthusiastically, makes his selection.

“These,” he chooses, with his dimpled grin and smiley eyes looking up at my husband as he hands the ear ornaments over, excited to wrap it up and present ‘em to Mom.

Flash forward to Christmas morning when I unwrap the package and discover the youthful, bright blue, dangle earrings. “Put them on, Mom,” my proud son practically begs. Of course I do, because I’m not Joan Crawford here, people. I wear them all day and all night and watch my son’s face beam every time he looks at me.

But here’s the question. How often does one have to wear the jewelry in order to be considered a loving, supportive mom? Every week? Do you leave the house or wear them as your cleaning day best? Some moms admitted they somehow “misplace” the earrings after that Christmas day. That just doesn’t seem right to me.

Do you wear jewelry hand-picked by your little ones?

 

Coming Soon to a Kindergarten Near You…

 adoption, Random  No Responses »
Feb 012012
 

For many readers, you’ve been there since the beginning when I started blogging about our adoption journey back in 2007. You were there when we received our referral, matched with a 7-month-old baby girl. You read about our sadness over missing Lucy’s first birthday when she was still in Taiwan and shared in our excitement when we gave her a do-over nine months later. You saw her hit the tireless twos and grow into a spunky, adorable preschooler.

So how could we not share Miss Lucy with you today, on her 5th birthday. The little baby I thought would never make it home into our arms is a smart, sassy, energetic and hilarious five year old who’s just a few weeks away from signing up for KINDERGARTEN! I have no idea how that happened when all I did was blink but, I do know, it’s never boring when Lucy is around!

In celebration of the big day, enjoy some pics of our Lucy Goose, shot recently by the very talented Renee Bowen Photography. Enjoy!

Does Your Little Girl Feel Like a Heel?

 Parenting  3 Responses »
Jan 272012
 

As I sat at a red light, rocking my sweats behind the wheel of my Hotyssey , I couldn’t help but notice them. It was like they had just stepped out of some magazine I would never buy and onto the cross walk in front of me. Dad, looking like a cross between a surfer dude and a suburban dad… Mom, put together perfectly, with long, golden locks and a stylish baby carrier (minus the impossible-to-get-out milk vomit like my carrier used to sport). Even big sister (who I’m guessing was around 5 or 6) was catwalk-worthy, pushing her doll in a stroller, wearing some cute outfit and pink wedged boots.

Wait, what?

I watched the little girl walk across the four-lane street, slowly and awkwardly trying to make her way in her (what I could only guess) were her new “big girl” boots. While they certainly were cute — I might wear a pair like it myself — I wondered, is that really a good idea for little ones to be wearing shoes with a heel — even a wedge?

I turned to pediatrician Dr. Paul Horowitz to get his take on it. According to him, there’s no physical reason a kid can’t wear a wedge — no development risks, scoliosis or foot issues (yes, I asked all of those). However, his face seemed to tell more of the story as he expressed his concern over letting little ones dress well beyond their age. If they’re wearing heels at 6, what will they be wearing at 13?

What’s your philosophy on kid fashion? Does anything go at your house or where do you draw the line?

Birthday Invitations at School: All or Nothing?

 Parenting  4 Responses »
Jan 112012
 

With Lunar New Year coming up, people are gearing up for the year of the dragon. In my house, it’s all about the year of the party. Because while my money and sanity-saving idea of only allowing kid birthday parties every other year (as opposed to every bday) was brilliant last year, this year, I’ll be paying for it — literally — when my kids get their choice (within reason) of a party to celebrate the day of their birth.

First up, it’s Lucy. Turning 5 on February 1, Lucy wants to have a party at the local indoor swim school. (No worries, I thought ahead last year and bid/won the party for a fraction of the price at a school auction.) The party includes ten guests, with an added cost for additional guests. Normally, I’m a firm believer in including everyone in the class if you’re going to do a party with more than just a few close friends, but considering she has well over 20 kids in her preschool class, won’t know 90% of them in another six months when she moves on to kindergarten and the fact that the party revolves around water (eeks!), we’re going to skip the “whole class” invitations and let her hand pick some friends. But that’s hard to do when our little spitfire is so damn social.

After making the decision to pick and choose, I got a little curious… what do other parents do in this situation?

Do they invite every classmate to their child’s birthday party? To find out, I did what any other busy, Internet-addicted mom would do — asked Facebook.

Barbara: If I had it to do over, I’d only invite their friends.

Kourtney: Not unless you’re loaded or psychotic:)

Maggie: Nope…..don’t invite any…..friends/family only

Kim: Nope!

Nirasha: I would.

Colleen: No way. I read once that you should only invite the number of kids that correlate to your child’s age. (6th bday…6 friends)

Cheryl: Yes….good way to get to know the kids your daughter is around…but it should be up to your daughter

Tiffanie: Invite those who are friends. I also try to reciprocate for invitations received. And, encourage an invite for a new friend – the kid who doesn’t get invited to anything, but I leave it up to my kid.

Mike: We invited all of them when there were 10 kids in a pre-k classroom. With 20 or so in a grade school class? No way. The age rule is great…

Wendy: Just went through all of this. We only invited a small group cause that’s how we roll in my family. We stressed the importance of discretion. I’m glad we didn’t do the whole class. Everybody is very sweet but the cost and the extravagance were not an option.

Cynthia: You don’t have to invite all. Just be careful of friend circles. It hurts to be left out; use outside of school invite method to help avoid hurt feelings.

Lisa: This is a never ending question for me and I’ve gone both ways. At the age of our kids, I prefer inviting all, but they do not all come and for that matter, many don’t even respond. I do it because while they are still this young, their feelings would be hurt if they were excluded, so I’m tryingn to preserve that for as long as possible. I’m not trying to protect them forever, but teach them that their job is to include, and whomever chooses to come, that is up to them. For Logan’s this year, we handpicked instead of the whole lot and it worked well, but I struggled with excluding some of the kids…

Ramona: If we do a public birthday, we’ll invite a few of the closest schools friends, all ‘our’ friends who have kids that are friends and all family.

Melissa: Our school supposedly does not allow invitations to be handed out on campus, so that those not invited will not have their feelings hurt. That’s not to say that word of mouth will not reach their ears. I limit the Invite List to 10. I let my daughter choose 6.. the other four are also her friends, but “must invites” due to being long-time family friends. Some of the kids she chooses are in her current class, some are from previous years. We can’t afford to invite the entire class, nor do I necessarily want to deal with a huge party. I do tell my daughter that she should not discuss her birthday party in school so that those kids who she didn’t invite won’t get their feelings hurt. It has worked out well so far.. and this is our 3rd child. Did the same for our boys when they were elementary school-aged, too.

Stacy: Only if I want to give myself the shingles, otherwise, no. small and manageable is always more fun… for m

Sandra: No. I’d rather poke out my good eye.

Alyson: Hell to the f*$@ing NO!!! Was that harsh???

Terri: Yes, if it’s kindergarten or first grade. Other than that let them pick a few friends they play with all the time and invite then.

Amy: I had a horrific experience with my 12 year old daughter when she was in second grade. She was one of two girls in her class not invited to a party. She found out the day of the party that she was not going. The kids were told “not to tell”. Of course they did. She was so hurt that I allowed her to think that I had lost the invite and we missed it. I have been able to refer to the situation over the years when talking about hurting people’s feelings and feeling left out, she now knows what really happened. Another mother actually told me that afternoon that the kids were not supposed to talk about it, not really sure that is a great message to a little one, not to mention not realistic! I am not a big fan of big birthday parties, my kids got a big one at 5 and then at 10. I keep it to a couple neighbors and family. When I have done the big parties, it was all the girls in the class or none. Hope this helps, as you can tell I am a little scarred from this.

Suzanne: My daughter is 11 today and she is all over me about her “friend” party….my first thought “how much is this going to cost me and how many kids does she want at this party” Geeze!!! To answer your question, no, I will not invite all the kids in her class!!!! Then, we are talking a bank loan !!!

Kim: No. I luck out w/my son because his bday is in the summer. He’s not in school so nobody has to hear about it. He just invites the friends he always hangs out with, plus family, and we have a cookout. My daughter is in K and in November we only invited the girls in her class. We do our parties at home and 12 girls running around here, the parents that insisted on staying, plus family was more than enough. There are over 700 kids in our Elementary school, each class has about 25 kids. If I invited boys and girls it would be way too much !!

Andrea: Absolutely. One yr my son was ONLY kid not invited. Explain that to a five yr old. From now on, I say yes…unless girls/boys only. Kids at school talk and hurt feelings happen easily.

Lora: I’ve been on both sides of this fence. I understand completely what Andrea is saying, but it is much worse when you invite the entire class and nobody rsvp’s or shows up for the party… (This actually has happened to one of our children and there was nothing we could say or do to make him feel better – It sucked!) I think it’s much safer to invite close friends and family who you can count on to attend the party and stick to sending treat-bags to school in honor of the Birthday child. It’s rare for a child to turn down a treat bag and this usually makes the Birthday child feel special for the day! On the flip side- We have invited the entire class and everyone showed up, even those who didn’t bother to rsvp! It was a crazy madhouse and I hardly got to spend anytime with the Birthday boy! Kids were everywhere and into everything – Never again! LOL…

Carolyn: Last year was my first time having a “friend” bday party for my daughter, I only invited the girls she played with, the invitations were mailed to their home. My son’s first friend party is next month, and I will be doing the same. After reading some of these posts, I like the 5 yr and 10 yr friend party.

Dawn: When they were little I invited all the kids and handed out invites at school. Now that they are older 8, 11,12 we only have small parties and invite friends on the phone – no paper invites. I’m almost done with parties!!! Just today, my 11 year old told me that a boy in her class was handing out invites and told her he didn’t have any more. Doesn’t that suck????

Catherine: I would say yes for a preschool class. We have [my daughter's] 5th coming up and we have allowed the kids to choose something special for that year….will probably be [an indoor play area]…which you pay the same for 5 kids or 20 kids. I did invite everyone from my sons Kindergarten class last year (cough…panic)…34 kids. I figured only half would show up (it was summer ). He is so shy that I thought it would help to see classmates right before 1st grade started in August. We had it at the park next to his school…so it more like a large play-date. During Kindergarten last year…moms would pass out a flyer saying they would be at the park for so and so’s bday…no gifts…just to play and they brought cupcakes. Pretty simple…if the school is next to a park. :)

Jen: So glad you brought this up! Been really struggling with this exact senario! I LOVE planning fun themed parties at home each year. However, being that it’s in April (and usually rains) it’s hard to invite a ton of kids. We only have so much space for them to run indoors. Last year we had a dozen girls for a Fairy Tea Party and while nice, it seemed a bit overwhelming. A fact that my daughter forgets. This year she wants both boys and girls and she’s asked about friends from both this year’s class and last years. I considered letting her hand pick a few to come plus her closest pals (not from school) but then I hate the thought of someone feeling left out. There are about 18 this year plus 5 from last year and then 10 of her closest pals and their siblings. PLUS family. Having them ALL is just not an option. I feel bad cause we’ve already been to parties where the whole class was invited. But it’s easier when it’s held at a public place and they can run. Really, what can I do but either have 2 parties or just keep it to close family and friends. Think I have to go with the latter and save my sanity…and wallet!

Funny, I was pretty solid with my decision before reading some of the comments from my FB friends. I have a lot to consider…

What would you do?

Parent Volunteer Survey

 Parenting  12 Responses »
Nov 162011
 

I’m working on a piece about the wave of schools who enlist parent volunteers to fill in the gaps post-budget cuts. Please answer the following five questions best you can. It will just take a minute. Thanks!

1. Does your school request parent volunteers at school?

2. Is/Are your child(ren) in a public or private school?

3. In which state do you live?

4. Is your child’s school in the city? suburbs? big school? tiny school?

5. If parent volunteers are requested, what kinds of tasks do parents do? Do they work directly with kids or do more clerical/admin tasks?

And finally, do you volunteer in your child’s class? Why/why not?

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer! I love my P.S. Jackie readers!

 

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