Category: Parenting

Girls and Long Hair: What Message Are We Sending?

May. 18 Parenting 24 comments

I grew up hating my hair. Mousy brown (that’s right, I was not born with this vibrant ever-changing grey red hair), super fine, lifeless… I dreamed of having bouncy, shiny hair like those orgasmic beauties in the shampoo commercials. It’s probably why I’ve had no problem trying so many different styles throughout my lifetime — no matter how bad it gets, it can’t be much worse than the hair I was born with.

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Photo credit: Renee Bowen Photography

So when I was blessed with my daughter, I latched onto her black, thick, shiny Asian hair like she was Rapunzel and I was desperately climbing for my one chance to experience long, flowing, gorgeous locks. Seriously, her hair is perfect.

So when she started talking about cutting it short several months back, I would nod and smile and know that it just wasn’t going to happen. A few months ago, she stepped up her game, telling anyone who’d listen how she wanted a Mohawk. As I do when she asks for something that’s absolutely out of the question, I told her she could have one when she was 14.

I was pretty confident in my decision… until the doubt began to creep in. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t she have super short hair that she could style into a “fauxhawk”? Sorry, I don’t do Mohawks with my boys either — it’s not happening. I realized that I was projecting my own self doubt and insecurities onto my strong, sassy daughter. If she wants her hair cut, who am I to stop it from happening? Yes, kids might tease her… you know it happens. But the only thing worse than that is teaching her that she should make choices in life solely based on how other people (not even people she cares about) might perceive them.

Around the same time I had begun to doubt myself for being so rigid, I read an interview that Jada Pinkett Smith gave to People. While I’m not one to usually jump on what celebrities do or how they parent their children, Jada’s words about her own daughter Willow’s hair really moved, and stuck, with me.

This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don’t belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self determination.

Willow cuts her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. Even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and desires.

She’s so right. We try to teach our daughters to love their bodies, no matter the size. We want to empower girls to respect themselves and not give their bodies away in exchange for a few minutes of feeling accepted and loved. But how can we teach them to make strong, independent decisions about their own selves when society, peers (and yes, even parents) are sending mixed messages that it’s okay to be yourself but only if you fit into what others deem beautiful?

I realized I was absolutely wrong and I told my daughter just that. I explained that while we weren’t going to go for the buzzed on the sides, long on the top full Mohawk, we were absolutely okay with her going for the short “pixie” type hair that she can then style into a fauxhawk when she feels inspired to do so. I told her that she was beautiful, inside and out, and it’s more than okay — it’s important — for her to be able to express who she is in creative, positive ways. If that means chopping off her hair, her dad and I were all for it.

But we had only one request. Since her hair was already so long (yet not long enough to meet the donation requirements) we asked that she wait a few more months to get her locks to a length that could be cut and donated to Wigs for Kids. I explained how there are kids who have no hair, for a variety of reasons, and would be so happy to receive a wig made from my daughter’s beautiful hair.

With a big smile on her face, she agreed — she was in.

So she waited… and it grew… and grew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It grew so long, it was constantly annoying her… in her face as she slept… the pony tail flopping around during gymnastics. She couldn’t wait for her hair to be cut. So this morning, we headed out to make it happen.

haircutI was worried that she’d regret cutting it all off but the smile on her face told me otherwise. It was bittersweet, seeing her so happy yet knowing that it was me and my stuff that kept her from feeling this for way too long. It was as if a weight were being lifted off her shoulders — I was finally seeing her for who she is and it felt so good.

Of course it wouldn’t be a hair post without the dramatic “after” shots. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present… my daughter.

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Weigh in: When I asked on Facebook whether parents would be willing to hand over control of their kids’ appearance, most of you said absolutely not. Please share your thoughts in the comments.

Our Trip to Caine’s Arcade

Apr. 10 Parenting 6 comments

Since the kids were on Spring Break last week, we decided (for the first time ever) to both take the week off and enjoy nine precious days together. While every moment with three kids wasn’t what I’d call “precious,” the week did include some major highlights.

I plan to break our “staycation” down in a future post, providing reviews on hotels and activities in southern California. But one of the most memorable experiences of the week together turned out to be low-cost yet high-impact.

You’ve probably seen this video of Caine’s Arcade before. I was late to the party and just stumbled across it when a friend posted it on Facebook in late March. Posted a year ago this week, it’s about a little boy who took over his father’s east L.A. auto parts store when he made an arcade entirely out of cardboard. His very first customer, a man by the name of Nirvan Mullick, happened upon the arcade when on the search for a door handle for his car.

I was so moved by the video, I called the kids in to see it. Within seconds, they were absolutely glued to the computer with big grins, in awe of the little boy with the big smile. Even my husband was emotional while watching (of course he insists it was dusty in the room).

Caine’s Arcade from Nirvan Mullick on Vimeo.

Living in the Los Angeles area, we decided to take a drive on our first day of Spring Break to Caine’s Arcade, hoping to meet the creative genius himself. Just off the freeway on the way downtown, it took 20 minutes and several trips around the block to finally find a parking spot on the busy city street, with the kids giggling in the back seat in anticipation of what they were about to see.

As we walked up to the arcade, I immediately noticed the man who had catapulted Caine to stardom (seriously, Justin Timberlake tweeted about this kid). We stepped up to purchase three fun passes and that’s when Caine, himself, appeared to handle the transaction.

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Jacob plays basketball at Caine’s Arcade

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Brady having a great time at Caine’s Arcade.

With only a few minutes to spend before Caine was closing up shop for the day, the kids tried out a few games before we asked to take a photo with the mini celebrity.

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Jacob, inspired by what he sees at Caine’s Arcade

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Lucy, looking to beat the claw machine at Caine’s Arcade

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Meeting the mastermind behind Caine’s Arcade. “I can’t believe we’re seeing you in real life,” Jacob gushed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we walked back to the car, Lucy had an idea. Having just seen the Easter Bunny before we made the trip to Caine’s Arcade (with a man making balloon animals to pass the time in line), she decided she wanted to give her “balloon sword” to Caine, thanking him for sharing his special gift with them by sharing something special to her in return.

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We all look on as Lucy runs up to share her “balloon sword” with Caine.

For part two of Caine’s Arcade and to donate to Caine’s scholarship fund, visit CainesArcade.com.

When Good Parents Grow Ugly

Mar. 14 Parenting 2 comments

It all started with a friend’s Facebook status update.

“[I'm] mortified. Poor screaming baby on the flight with mom yelling at him ‘Do you want me to go get the pilot & have him come take you??’ Nothing says love like threat of kidnapping.”

badparentsThe comments that followed ranged from outraged to humorous, but one or two were actually empathetic toward the mom. “Until you’ve been there, don’t judge,” said one dad. Because no matter what you might think of the flying mom’s parenting tactics, can’t we all relate to ‘growing ugly’ at one time or another?

Whether you’ve screamed with reckless abandon, said things you wish you hadn’t or completely shut down when the kids needed you checked in, parenting can bring out the worst in us. “K” isn’t proud about “throwing a fit during the family advent reading” this year… “C” admits that the drama surrounding her child’s preschool Christmas show was enough to send her on the first train to Emptythreatsville. “I threatened my poor son that if he didn’t shut his mouth, I would keep him home from school (decorating gingerbread houses and his Grandma is coming to help) and that his grandma would have to help some other little boy.”

And who hasn’t been busted growing ugly by unexpected onlookers? One mom admits, “I start in about how when we get home they are going to bed IMMEDIATELY and how embarrassed I am by their behavior, only to glance over my shoulder and realize [my son] had rolled his window down and that the people trying to get into the car next to us are staring.”

On a recent trip to an indoor play area with a friend and my three kids, I witnessed a father of four boys unraveling rather quickly, snapping at his kids over what appeared to be absolutely nothing. But as I noticed the critical glances coming from other parents, I couldn’t help but empathize with his ‘bad dad’ moment and made what I hoped would come across as a supportive comment. Within just a couple of minutes, my friend and I could visibly see a change in the dad’s behavior, now engaging and laughing with his little guys; proof that a little understanding can go a long way.

Because like any difficult situation, parental mishaps also come with an opportunity for growth. In fact, psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser says it’s actually a good thing for kids to realize that parents aren’t perfect. “Admitting to our faults and taking responsibility not only teaches our kids that it’s OK to make mistakes, but can help them become more compassionate adults.”

Besides, who says that the second we have kids, we’re supposed to behave like saints, suddenly free of the baggage we’ve carried around for years before the title of “Mom” or “Dad”? I personally wish someone had pulled me aside at a young age and explained that parents and teachers are no different from kids, all just trying to find their way as they go. I think my high expectations of adults in general not only set them up for failure in my eyes, but often left me disappointed and discouraged.

That’s not to say we should just let it all hang out. “While it’s natural to make mistakes, we also have an obligation to provide a loving, secure environment for our kids,” says Kaiser. “Find an outlet to work out frustrations and you’ll all be better off.”

4 Ways to Respond to Ignorant Comments

Feb. 28 Parenting 1 comment

catNot a week goes by that I don’t see another post on a parenting site instructing the world what not to say to those living within certain personal circumstances. Whether its 10 Things Not to Say to Adoptive Parents, What Not to Say to a Working Mom or 10 Things Not to Say to Your Childless Friends, there are so many dos and don’ts that I fear all of these demands will ultimately beat ourselves into conversation submission, worried about every little thing we say. Seriously, we need a score card to keep track.

But it’s The Stir’s 35 Things Not to Say to a Mother of a Child with Autism that’s finally forced me to step on my soapbox and take on the topic. THIRTY FIVE things not to say? Wouldn’t it be easier to just list the two things we are allowed to say?

It’s not that I don’t understand. Being a working mom with three kids — one internationally adopted, one with autism and one with life-threatening allergies, I am proud to be part of a generation of parents who serve as advocates for their children and their needs. And if writing a post would miraculously cure ignorance and stupidity, I’d be all for it.

But it feels like we’ve become so obsessed with being politically correct, never mind terrified that our own children might actually have to experience an uncomfortable moment or two during their lives. Instead of trying to school a stranger in human relations, it’s a better use of our time and energy to teach our kids how to handle these situations as they come. Because the only way to raise independent, confident adults it to show them how to face adversity head on; not expect that the rest of the world will suddenly play nice, just because we tell them to in a blog post.

4 Ways to Respond to Ignorant Comments

Why Do You Ask? Oftentimes, people are just making conversation or unfamiliar with something and let curiosity get the best of them. These four little words are a polite way of putting the onus back on them and will often provoke an apology or backtrack when they realize they may have traveled over the line.

Laughter is the Best Medicine While this option can err on the side of passive aggressive, it’s sometimes the best choice if you’re in a public place or in earshot of a child. This was choice of response one time in our local grocery story after being asked “How much did your daughter cost?” A lighthearted “what a silly question to ask” guffaw did the trick and the woman was on her way to insult someone else.

It’s Personal If honesty is the best policy, this is the way to go. There’s not much more to be said when someone clearly and kindly informs you it’s none of your business. And for those rare occasions that doesn’t work…

Have Fun with Sarcasm I’ve been known to stop a truck in its tracks with a quick-witted quip. And there are times I’m just not in the mood or the person doesn’t take hints #1-3. A couple of examples:

“Where is her real mom?”

I’ll tell you where she’s not… rubbing my baby’s back in the middle of the night as she projectile vomits or saving for her college education.

“He has autism? He seems so normal.” At least someone does.

Then there was the time I was pregnant with my first son and celebrating a birthday at a French restaurant in Los Angeles. “It’s okay to have wine when you’re expecting,” the waiter informed me. Wow, you wait tables and earned a medical degree at the same time? That’s impressive.

No matter which option you choose in dealing with intrusive comments, remember this: The best way to change others’ attitudes and behavior is to help open their hearts and minds to seeing things in a new way. But before we can do that for someone else, we must do the same within ourselves. We’re human beings who all make mistakes — the benefit of the doubt can go a long way.